Headed up to R & M’s* hut on the Poolburn Reservior for a couple of days on the 2nd of Jan. No, I was not on a Lord of the Rings tour. Even the locals seem to have abandoned that particular cash-cow – I’m sure there used to be a LOTR mural painted on the side of the house at the reservoir turnoff- now it’s a Moa.

Camping at the Hut is a fairly rustic experience – long-drop, plastic containers for drinking water, truck battery for lighting, pot belly for heating, gas for cooking. Since the last visit the Hut has been extended and now incorporates a kitchen with architecturally-inspired metal clad doors, which I’m sure Urbis would happily feature if they ever do a special on Fishing Huts of Central Otago. Next on the list of improvements is a bathroom – with a shower! Currently only contains floor joists and a shower tray, so only for the very brave or very dirty (or both) at the moment.

Spent a very pleasant evening sitting on the Hoff (rock platform overlooking the lake) having drinks and watching the sunset, then retiring inside for more drinks and random conversations – I do remember that we invented a new Olympic Sport of water bucket throwing (you throw the water, not the buckets). It did make sense, at the time…. Tried my hand at a few star trail photos and failed monumentally. The photography mojo was not with me on this trip at all.

Earlier we had pitched the tents snug against a sheltering rock because of the strong wind from the South(ish). Looked to be very slightly sloped, and I bent quite a few of the shoddy, cheap and completely impractical Fairydown tent pegs that were clearly designed only for lush, soft camping ground lawns and not, you know, the actual outdoors. Anyway, fast-forward a number of hours to a little bit past midnight and I’m crawling into my tent feeling all smug because I’ve brought a long-sleeved polyprop and a polar fleece hat, because it gets a little chilly. Fast-forward another half an hour and I’m in my sleeping bag and realising that a) it’s really, really cold and I don’t have enough clothes on and b) I am in fact lying on a slightly diagonal slope and have migrated down into a bit of a heap at the end of my tent with my feet jammed against the “wall” due to lack of grip between my thermarest and sleeping bag.

I try to rectify a) by first putting on a second pair of socks and my hoody over top of the polypro and t-shirt (and stupidly thin and un-warmth-giving cotton pj pants). This worked for about another hour before I gave into the cold and put my jeans on too. This worked.

Problem b) was trickier. Had a flash of inspiration and tried lying head downhill. This stopped me slipping but seemed to be a Very Bad Idea. I tried jamming things at my feet and randomly wishing I had a roll of that grippy stuff that nana’s use to stop their fancy plates from sliding off their china cabinets in earthquakes. Or that I was intelligent enough to spot a slope and not pitch my tent there. After trying a few sleeping positions (including one that involved me essentially spooning my thermarest), hours after going to bed, and after wedging the rest of my clothes under the end of my mat to make a kind of U-shaped valley (which kind of helped, but not really), my brain delivered me the startling and cunning realisation that the underside of my mat was grippier than the top and if I turned it over it would be less likely to slide. Which was true, and so I slept.

Next time, I’m camping on the flat. And possibly buying some of those ridiculous polarfleece trousers which I’ve previously scoffed at.

*Names have been changed to protect the innocent.

The plan for my week off was to go to Poolburn and stay in my tent for a few nights. However, the forecast for Poolburn was looking shittier as the weekend approached: a bit of rain and a few gales – not the best tenting weather. So the plan changed to driving around a bit looking at pretty scenery and staying in motels (and at Nicki’s place in Wanaka).

Day 1: Dunedin – Te Anau

Set out westwards along the great Southland farmlandy bit. Spotted some windmills at the new(ish) windfarm at (where the hell is it?) and got some pretty damn average pictures of faraway turbines. Reached Te Anau about 4ish and booked into a unit at the Top 10 (*I* think the unit smelled slightly of poo; flattie disagreed), then went for a drive to Manapouri where it was all choppy water and dark grey skies.

Day 2: Te Anau – Milford – Queenstown

Headed over to Milford in the morning (as you do when you’re in Te Anau). Plenty of scenic-y things to look at and take pictures of; lots of snow (in fact it snowed the night before) and avalanche WARNING! signs, which are always guaranteed to put some excitement into your trip. Lots of potential excitement for the family of Japanese tourists that got out of their Maui camper van to take close-ups of the grey road-snow banked up in the no-stopping zone.

Had a break in the Milford Sound carpark and took some pics of the swampy bit, the lake, and Mitre Peak. I find the whole Mitre Peak photo a bit cliche, so I’ve only uploaded one where it’s obscured by a tree. Had a lovely piece of carrot cake in the car which I shared with several sandflys the size of crickets.

Headed back through the Homer Tunnel (which they have lined in places with plastic so it’s less drippy) and drove to Queenstown via the Devils Staircase, which is disappointingly tame now they’ve lined the scarier edges with devices designed to prevent your car entering the lake. Refused to take any pictures of Queenstown, being a glossy, plastic excuse for a nice Auckland suburb with (quite franky) hideous hotel and apartment complexes.

Day 3: Queenstown – Glenorchy – Albert Town

Wound around the eastern shore of Lake Wakatipu up to Glenorchy and stopped at the Glenorchy visitors centre for a local map. Drove past the excellent Rees Valley – Glenorchy sign (obviously the point of the whole trip) and headed up into Rees Valley itself, which is very pretty but is a “Back Country Road”. Got as far as the road would take us (there’s not an end to the road, as such, it’s more of a judgement call), via some old Miney things (which we really couldn’t find … apart from some kind of shack) and headed back towards the lake.

Next we headed towards Paradise. Mostly to get a picture of me in front of the Paradise sign (with that song from Pricsilla, Queen of the Desert running through my head). The thing about Paradise, though, is that there’s nothing there apart from a homestead. No sign, no abandoned 2-pump petrol station, nothing. So I can only say that I’m reasonably sure that I’ve driven in the general vicinity of Paradise but I have no evidence that I’ve ever been there. Headed up the road until there was no road anymore and had a quick stop at the beginning-of-the-track shelter (stripy river/tree photo) before turning back. Filled with confidence from two successful off-road/back country driving experiences, the car flew along the “road” and approached at great speed a channel incised into the gravel, which we both spotted too late to do anything about (apart from swearing). The front wheels bounced out of the ditch and the back wheels make a valiant effort to do the same, but failed, leaving the middle bit of the car lodged on the edge of it. It’s much bigger and deeper than the photo really illustrates and took us a good 3 mins of digging to free ourselves.

The Universe had warned us, so we drove back to Queenstown and headed over to Wanaka, via Gibbston Valley Winery (4x 2004 Chardonnay Reserve’s for me!) and landed safely at Chateau Nickers & Blue at Albert Town.

Day 4: Albert Town – Dunedin

Had my first sleep-in of the whole trip (damn 10am check-out times!) and loitered around the Chateau enjoying delicious wireless broadband and puppy antics (what is the name of that dog … he’s named after a cheese. Not Cheddar, Stilton, Camembert or Feta). Left in the afternoon and drove back to Dunedin, with the GPS taking us on a somewhat northerly route via the Ida Valley and another slightly odd detour. Didn’t take one picture, having spent all photographic/artistic energy in the past few days.

And that was it.

Went for a drive today and ended up at the Jewel of the South – Milton.

Lovely friendly message from the people of the Clutha District (close-up of message on right):

Possibly it’s a herb-drying shed?

Oh, and don’t go down this road, which isn’t a road, and doesn’t have a “no exit” sign, and will not take you back to SH1:

… because you’ll end up here:

… which is when you realise that you have to drive past the pole-mounted cameras, and then go down a driveway to the “Staff Only” Milton Hilton (Otago Correctional Facility, actually at Milburn and not Milton) carpark so you can turn around and get out of there.

Went to Tapanui (as you do on a Sunday afternoon) with the flattie to collect data-loggers that had been dangling in various cow-poo infested streams.